Creating habits versus serving needs.
There is an important distinction in care between creating habits and serving needs. I have observed both dynamics in families and other types of relationships. Parents, caregivers, and anyone who is responsible for someone else have a line to toe in this regard. In the interest of clarity, I will refer to two groups of people defined as:
- Caregivers — This could be a parent, a caregiver for a dependent of any age, or even someone with a pet.
- Dependents — I use this word with caution because the actual degree of dependence of dependents is often greatly exaggerated. I am defining dependents as anyone who is being cared for by a caregiver.
Dependents, by nature of their relationship to the caregiver, have certain fundamental requirements that need to be met by the caregiver to keep them alive and well. Generally speaking, a dependent at any age will let a caregiver know when those needs are urgent. A baby will cry when it is hungry. An older child will tell you when they need to use the restroom. There are universal signals of body language that will show when someone is tense, scared, or in need of immediate attention. Nearly everyone will recognize and attend to these signals when they’re presented.
I know this to be true not just because of the deep empathy for others that I was born with, but also the ego to be confident enough in myself to know I’m able to take care of another person outside of myself. I experienced a very unique form of need-based, relationally attentive care from my parents. As I’m sure you can imagine, in the event that either of my parents ever needs care in any way, shape, or form, I will be sure to enforce the same rare principles that I was given as a child. Regardless of how old I have the privilege to become, I will always be the child and they will always be. the parents. I plan to act accordingly for the rest of my days. As a recipient of non-habitual care from my parents, I’m prepared to ensure each of my parents are cared for based on their comfort level, not mine, when the time comes. This is not to compare but rather provides a helpful contrast relative to the alternative of habitual caregiving.
What I have observed in others is that a well-intentioned impulse often turns into a habit that is more for the caregiver’s benefit than that of the dependent. I’ve witnessed this among several friends and acquaintances as well as the subconscious generational domino effect it can have. Here are some examples:
When we were teenagers, one of my friend’s parents constantly asked if they were OK. The question was asked multiple times daily, whether or not the child — a teenager — showed any sign of distress. The caregiver had the good intention of wanting to be there for their child, but also liked the feeling of being the hero and seeming like a good parent. If you ask someone “are you OK?” consistently enough, especially an impressionable teenager, it can make them question their own wellbeing and stability under otherwise good circumstances. This behavior became a habit of the caregiver looking for a problem to solve and an opportunity to be a hero to their child, not a solution for the child’s actual needs.
Another example is a friend who was going through a major life change in early adulthood and communicated to their family that they needed some time to themselves. Instead of listening to the cue from their dependent, the parents spoke to their child’s friends without telling the child and eventually gained access to the child’s bank account to see where they are and if they are OK. They did this out of “concern”. Instead of respecting their child’s boundaries as an adult -a need which had been clearly communicated — they invaded their child’s privacy and trust in the name of being a “good parent”. This caused irreparable damage to the relationship which could have easily been avoided if the caregivers had simply been attentive to the need of the dependent instead of the habit of requiring a level of communication and information that made them as parents feel OK (which ultimately has nothing at all to do with their child’s wellbeing).
This is the bottom line: habits are generally for the caregivers while needs are always for the dependent. Habits make the caregiver’s life easier, help them place a mental framework around the (understandably difficult) task of caring for another person, and maintain the caregiver’s sense of being good at what they’re doing. Some habits can address a need, but most don’t. Habits generally condition the dependent on the pattern of the habit, rather than paying attention to what is necessary and when. Habits allow caregivers to point to their consistency and feel as if they’ve accomplished their mission.
This is the dark side of habits. It certainly applies to the caregiver/dependent dynamic, but it can equally apply to how someone approaches their friendships and romantic relationships, how someone manages their work, and even how someone attends to themselves. Habits can be very helpful, but they can also put one on autopilot and shut off the feedback mechanisms of true listening and attentiveness. Protecting those mechanisms can make all the difference between actually being there and coming through when it counts, just being there, and being detrimental.
Have you ever received a habitual response when you needed an attentive one?
