Over-validation is a form of child abuse.
The disparity between one’s Behavioral RNA™️ and one’s environment during the formative years can lead to dissonant behavior. Many children have significantly different personalities than their family members. We learn how to interact with others from watching the adults in our lives. When that template comes from someone whose Behavioral RNA™️ is significantly different from your own, it can create not only confusion but mental and emotional suffering. As adults, that dissonance from the family environment can turn into a crisis in identity and even disliking oneself for behaving in a way that doesn’t feel genuine.
Growing up in the home environment, we learn a particular version of normalcy. As children, we have no contrast or point of reference to identify behavior that is broken, dysfunctional, or low-achieving. When we get parental validation for our actions/behaviors we, therefore, take that as performance when, in fact, we’re being measured against the wrong measuring stick. We’re often being measured in feet when the metric is yards (or more).
Parents/caregivers may have different reasons for over validating a child’s behavior. Some of those reasons are out of love, some are out of selfishness, and some are even some out of indifference. Regardless of the source, the support/validation is often not aligned with the tangible reality of true performance or mastery in a given area. It also may not be whatsoever aligned with the best path for the child.
For example, I’ve known many friends from childhood into adulthood who are musically inclined but who also have analytical minds and capacity for business. A consistent throughline exists with all these individuals. They were/are over-validated for their musical capabilities by parents who are not successful in or knowledgeable about the music industry. The parents think they should be supportive of their child’s creativity and like to be able to talk about their talented child. They also benefit from the social currency of the child being able to perform music at certain social functions. Therefore, the child’s musical capabilities are viewed and praised as their primary unique feature. This aspect is validated and they’re told they should be a musician (although no one who tells them this is or even knows any professional musicians). Meanwhile, the child has no context or support for their business mind or other strengths and they go un/underdeveloped.
This almost always causes a lot of internal and external conflicts. When these children get older and get exposed to an actual music industry professional, they expect to be treated in a manner consistent with their parents’ validation. They automatically enter a self-induced state of anxiety, nervousness, and stress when they recognize that their actual capacity is not matching up with the praise and validation their parents provided. They don’t recognize the missing link which is that their parents were/are over-validating them in an area they don’t understand. Just because the child is proficient doesn’t mean they’re great or even good. It simply means they’re competent. But instead of the child walking away understanding their competence (and the edge of it), they’re made to feel they’re prodigious at something they’re barely good at for the most part.
Being truly great at anything is rare. Yet most kids that are proficient in certain areas are deemed “great” by their parents. This causes a massive conflict in the average child’s brain when they get around someone rare and great. One unfortunate result of this pattern is that the child will start to have issues with peers who may actually be great/experienced at something. Their peer is often labeled contentious or pretentious when, in fact, the discordant note of the entire composition is a result of their parents’ over-validation.
One must make the distinction between being positive and encouraging. A parent can say, “yes, you’re competent, but the jury’s still out on where you sit in the hierarchy of this category. That’s for the industry and the world to decide and measure against.” This approach is tempered and realistic versus saying the child is great simply because they are capable. Legitimate greatness is such a miracle that, although we all have the potential, most will never get there. Telling a child without experience, trials and tribulations, loss, and a honed mindset that they’re great, in my opinion, is a form of abuse. It’s one of the most concerning forms of abuse to me because it’s unknown to both parties.
I was able to arrive at this conclusion because I grew up with the complete opposite experience. While I got encouragement from both of my successful parents, I got much more constructive critique and constructive analysis (and sometimes that which was not constructive because my parents are human). Everything they said wasn’t perfect, but there was accountability for those mistakes. We worked through those hard conversations to align their intention with the mishaps of what they may have said in conjunction. This, to me, is simply an example. It’s not meant to position one experience as better than the other. One could argue that there are missteps, errors, and unknown harmful aspects in anyone’s upbringing that others don’t fully appreciate. It’s simply a different outlook on parenting. It views parents’ existence as a guide (which is what I learned) versus know-it-alls. It says, “I’m learning as a parent just as you’re learning as a child.” This is different from the overall approach to traditional parenting in which parents position themselves as experts at life (which no one is), and the child is constantly disappointed as a result. While there have been times I didn’t understand where my parents were coming from, and times I’ve experienced challenges/hardship because we were on different pages, I’ve never been disappointed. That is because they presented themselves as the flawed people they are. Therefore, my expectations have never been set unrealistically in contrast to my peers.
I did not learn if I was great at anything until I went out to compete in the world. My level of performance was supported by my parents but only judged by the industries in which I wanted to work. My household was focused on developing who I am as an individual, learning respect, and following rules. Central to my childhood lessons was making sure that I was a solid enough person to understand how to function in society — not only where I lived but as a global citizen. I was taught that whenever we’re in another culture, city, state, or country, we follow their rules. I was taught respect first. The second thing I was taught was valuing oneself and understanding how to derive confidence from that value (but never giving into arrogance that makes you unable to listen). As my dad says, “if you don’t listen how are you going to know?” As my mom says, “education is everything because without education there are no options. Without options, there is no choice. Without choice, there is no freedom.” My mom is all about freedom and independence which she made sure to instill in me since the day I was born. Last but not least, there was the lesson of balancing hard work and smart work. Even a smart worker cannot avoid working hard. The smart worker simply learns how to work hard efficiently. These lessons formed a foundation upon which I was able to understand myself and operate with personal integrity and knowingness. There was no excess of praise or pride, which I believe is one of the greatest gifts my parents ever bestowed upon me. I believe any parent can give this gift to their child. When this does not occur, children can forge identities and repeat behaviors that don’t serve them. They can value (or devalue) aspects of themselves based on people — family or not — that they fundamentally disagree with and/or who lack the qualifications to provide an objective assessment.
Admittedly, when dealing with peers who received over-validation , I encountered dissonance due to their expectation of praise because of the households they came from. That dissonance eventually turned into frustration, and, depending on the situation, that frustration grew into a healthy rage at times. The escalation depended on the situation and the level of absurdity of anyone feeling entitled to praise and validation simply because they’re competent in a given area. This rage that I worked very hard to overcome was rectified in my mind by comprehending that my peers who exhibited this behavior lacked a fundamental understanding (just as I was lacking a fundamental understanding of where they were coming from). The rage was based on deep love and positivity. It stemmed from wanting them to understand the reality that the level of validation they were searching for would lead them in the direction of depression rather than the utopia that they were seeking from this validation I was expected to give. This type of expectation often results in skewed self-perception which has a domino effect on many other aspects of life as a child and as an adult.
When this occurs, it can be sensed. It may be expressed as depression, feeling like an imposter, feeling uncomfortable in one’s social environment, dislike of oneself and one’s speech and/or behavior, etc. Those who experience this dissonance can take it as a cue to ask:
1) what dissonance is causing this suffering?
2) where did I derive this behavior?
3) do I align with the source?
4) how could I feel more authentic in this setting?
It is not until we are exposed to other ways of living and interaction that we can appreciate contrast. We can then start to see ourselves more objectively and explore alternatives.
Understanding your Behavioral RNA™️ helps this process by providing an anchor for all forms of activity and interaction. It allows you to know and identify yourself as a unique individual outside of any external influences and understand yourself outside of your parents and household culture.
Identifying and taking responsibility for whichever area one sits in is, in my opinion, the most important thing one can do for their future. No one is better than or less than because everyone has their unique circumstances, challenges, and hardships in life. The key is to identify yours and work from that as a base — not in comparison to others. Contrast begets clarity. Comparison, on the other hand, is the source of unrealistic goals and wants that don’t pertain to the individual. Once that clarity of contrast is created through objective reasoning, one can persist and prevail with fortitude because one understands their foundation. Without understanding where you are from, you have a very slim chance of knowing where you’re going.
How does your Behavioral RNA™️ diverge from your family/childhood environment?
